While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
