oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
