A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
