Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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