my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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