i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
