It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
