My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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