the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize