I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
