I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
