I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
