I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
