so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
