Umm I'm too high to move.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
