When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
