i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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