this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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