im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
