What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I intend to get homeless drunk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dicks are not precious.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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