i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
