The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wish my penis had a tongue
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
