her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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