I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
