PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
