I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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