saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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