After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
