remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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