watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
