3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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