her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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