I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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