I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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