nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
