Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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