I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
