Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
