Define "chronic" masturbator.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
