I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
