Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
