Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dick very happy bro
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
