ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
