I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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