i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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