just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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