my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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