dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
