I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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