I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
