she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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