do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
