I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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