True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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